One big category of drain, especially of introverts (my tendency), is that of social interaction. Folks are drained by others who “talk incessantly” and by situations where they are expected to be “on” while simultaneously pushed out of their comfort zone. I would like to posit that *maybe* even the extroverts are annoyed by those who talk incessantly, and that *maybe* extroverts are sometimes pushed out of their comfort zones too … and I am confident that anyone (introvert or extrovert) can be uncomfortable when “socializing” with someone reflecting introverted tendencies…
As I walked into work this morning I caught myself being agitated by someone who was walking “across my path.” Was I going to have to hesitate to let him pass (and avoid hitting him) or would he stop awkwardly when he realized he hadn’t timed things right…? I decided it didn’t matter. I decided he wasn’t really thinking of me and that he probably would not give the entire “thing” a second’s thought.
How much freer would I be if I just sat comfortably in the fact that others really are not thinking much of me and my existence..? I don’t think I mean this in as bad a way as it might be coming off. I recently read a couple of things that are helping me reformulate my thoughts and (maybe) allowing me to think more like an extrovert (I’m not going against who I am here, but any ways to help negotiate this life/world and my natural introversion are appreciated!) The first, which I picked up when reading Thou Shall Prosper, by Rabbi Daniel Lapin, is that we need other people on the planet in order to have anything… it’s easy to put this in commercial terms. I like clothes – there is an entire industry and lots of people and processes that make it possible for me to have clothing. I like food – I like that fact that I don’t have to sow the seeds that make the bread I eat – thank goodness for the food industry!! Markets and trade allow me to sit here and write; to snowboard on winter weekends; and to lay in bed and read at the end of a long day… So when I am grumpy about early morning near misses with fellow pedestrians, I remind myself that our co-existence is a good thing and that we fundamentally need each other…
The other thing I recently read – and that I am attempting to pull from – is from Dale Carnegie’s, How to Win Friends and Influence People. One of his rules is about letting the *other* person talk (and there is also one closely related about engaging the “other” in what is interesting to them). He also says that when we are the one talking incessantly that we are more prone to being ridiculed by those around us. (So we introverts shouldn’t be fooled into thinking that an extrovert has it all made!) So, I guess we should not put so much pressure on ourselves to talk so much… and to simply learn some tools in asking the right questions and learning about small talk – (the benefits of it and how to do it)! It feels freeing to know that we are better off letting others take the lead. Why not take comfort knowing that the incessant talker (I.T.) is making my life easier?? In fact, I.T. holds us (or me, rather, the introvert) in high esteem because I let I.T. talk incessantly!!
So, I am taking the pressure off the early morning crankiness – no one is intentionally in my path and no one is cursing me. The early morning Boston Scowl does not represent a statement of the human condition!
Something I would like to consider more, however, is why the “introvert” has such a difficult time with those who go on and on – I.T. What would make this sort of “interaction” more compelling and less draining? I’ve read a lot of feedback (on this) from folks in a session I recently facilitated, and many indicated that they have “solved” the social drain by saying no to certain invitations and developing an exit strategy from the outset. To be honest, I was hoping for someone (to share) who had had some real shift when they learned how to creatively engage with the room/folks/meeting.
When I read the actual responses, it occurred to me that what we dislike, maybe, is a lack of control. That maybe we feel like we are being held hostage and we don’t know how to appropriately disengage. There has got to be something worthwhile about engaging socially. How do we measure this? How do we move beyond “hostage” to “confident attendee” AND remain true to ourselves?
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