After more than 20 years of marriage, my parents separated when I was a sophomore in high school. The divorce was final just after graduation and I started college with $10K (set aside in the divorce settlement), a wing, a prayer, and no clue. (It was years later that I realized how incredibly under-financed I was to attend school.) I also had few skills that would actually help me get through (evidenced by graduating 7 years post-high school graduation); I think I was someone who got by ‘easily’ enough (grade-wise) in high school and never acquired any real study skills. [I didn’t even know how to sufficiently use a library – ironic that I should go on to earn a Masters in library science!]
At 23, I was in my FIFTH year of college; I had to this point changed majors 3 times:
- Archaeology – thought I wanted to be Indiana Jones;
- Geology – I shifted when I realized dinosaurs, not human artifacts, were what I wanted to dig up;
- English – science was too hard (irony there too, since my BA is in Biology!!), and I liked to write, so a guidance counselor told me to declare English.
one of two UCSB geology department field trips; CA has incredible geology to experience 1st hand!
And now, at the fifth year, I declared anew, Italian Cultural Studies. (As an English major, I was up to Intermediate Italian 5, and my professor sold me on the program.)
As an Italian major, I did well in Italian language courses and in the cultural studies courses (where we studied nationalism, humanism, and other cultural themes) – it was simultaneously two things: 1) awesome and 2) completely impractical. As I moved beyond grammar and basic vocabulary, the curriculum advanced to courses taught entirely in Italian. I had not yet been immersed in the language, so I was – in no way – fluent. (Anyone who has spent more than about a month in a non-native environment knows the severity of this.) I was in way over my head. I was faking it ok to this point … [I found all the novels in translation in the library, so I wasn’t even reading in Italian … by the 6th week (of a quarter system, which meant we were 60% of the way to finals) I was to give an oral presentation. Speaking in public wasn’t an issue for me; revealing sheer ineptitude was …
fellow American students with “Max” – a Modena local
The only solution to my mind was to withdraw from courses. It was too late to get any money back, I was forfeiting the quarter AND, as a personal declaration, I decided from that point on, I would not ask my folks for additional funding (they had continued to pay my fees after the $10K ran out midway of year 2); I was having a difficult time living with myself knowing I had squandered money neither of them had…
I don’t remember the actual decision to withdraw, nor the 45 minute drive north to campus (University of California, Santa Barbara) from Ventura. But I do remember uncontrolled tears… I remember sitting in the waiting area in the administration building having lost all sense of shame and the tears WOULD NOT STOP. The withdrawal process was a little like trying to close a credit card account or discontinue cable service. There were systems in place to try to keep me in! So, in order to be officially “let go” I had to convince 3 different offices to ‘release’ me. I think that most who know me (even those who knew me back then) know that it is (and was) totally out of my character to show emotion like this, publicly – I mean, really – walking from building to building, openly crying like a lost child?!
I felt really, really alone, and LOST – and I think there was more to what happened that day than just the ‘wrong major’ –
Fast forward MANY years to about two years ago, with my discovery of LivingBluPrints, when I began a writing practice (by way of a blog on productivity, energy management, and best living). Through the discovery process (that naturally occurs when writing about such topics), I continue to identify with a sense of being lost. ‘Being lost’ seems to be fundamental to who I am. I don’t think it’s fundamental to all people, but I think it’s a common characteristic shared by many. Sometimes these folks self-identify as ‘Seekers.’ Seekers question life, purpose, meaning – everything – every day.
What is TOTALLY crazy is that what has allowed me to get to LivingBluPrints, – a discovery process that leads to greater understanding, happiness, and a life of more purpose – are *systems,* largely rooted in productivity and energy management, that are built to sustain me in my uniqueness. As a self-identified, “Seeker” I will always be curious and easily distracted by new ideas and discoveries. I’ve learned how there are key areas of life that require deliberate nurturing. I’ve learned that, in order to support what needs to be nurtured, one needs to make decisions and prioritize. My LivingBluPrints Project allows me personalized guidance (such that I am not flailing about) on my way to more purpose and satisfying life; and movement away from being lost.
Maybe you are a seeker (like I am); maybe you are eager to make a significant change that you’ve felt unable to achieve to this point; or maybe you need more direction in just one aspect of life. I want to share the underlying tools and principles that got me here, with you, for your own LivingBluPrints project.
This is part of the beginning…
This ‘story’ continues here…
///… of my ‘blogged book’!! Stay tuned for the many posts that will follow in support of a published manuscript!!! And don’t worry, many professionals will help me fine tune. Who knows how similar this will be in final draft?!///
You can sign up to subscribe to my blog my clicking Home, look to the right column, and scroll down a bit (under the Archives listing). And/or, like my page on FB (please).
Recent Comments